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BeTheBestThatI_CanBe
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Name: Allie
Gender: Female
Interests: Likes: reading, swimming, writing, dancing, laughing, smiles, water, dolphins, hearts, purple, spending endless hours online, hairbands, music, Meg Cabot books, MCBC, Sarah Dessen books, coloring in graph paper, drawing hearts and coloring them in, singing, mascara, glassy looking eyes, Diet Pepsi, running, walking, looking at pictures, reading quotes, jeans, black fingernail polish, sideswept bangs, boys with beautiful smiles, Tofutti, and more. Dislikes: wearing shoes when it's not required, meat, avocadoes, long fingernails, eating too much, my tighs, my stomach, bugs, being itchy, people who kill things, math, and more.
Expertise: Nothing at all.
Message: message me
Yahoo:  writergirl088
Member Since:
11/23/2006
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| Today was the third day of a binge.
No more. I'm sick of feeling like a pathetic piece of crap.
Phuck it. I'm done feeling this way.
Tomorrow will be better. I'll drink water every half a second if that's what the phuck it takes. I don't care.
I will be my goal by Christmas.
I will.
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| I'm making up my mind that I'm going to be strong.
I ate quite a bit again today; today's not over. But I'm going to stay strong, that way I'll be able to eat something before swim practice tomorrow night.
I know people are wondering why I'm doing this. At least, I know of two that are wondering.
Honestly, I've wondered the same thing. I know that eating disorders [which I do not consider myself having an eating disorder. I haven't even gone a whole day without eating] are mental illnesses, and are never actually about the weight. I've been weight conscious since forever, it seems, but I know that isn't true. Only the past few years, I guess.
It annoys me when people say it's all for the control. The sense of control over something; when everything else is chaotic. But it's true. It really is. Right now, I don't feel like I have control. Not even over myself. And I don't feel like anyone cares. I feel like everything is the opposite of control. I feel like everything's out of control. And this is control. Well, not what I've been doing the past two days; but what I will be doing.
I'm doing this because obviously I don't mean enough to the people around me for them to stop something that really, really bothers me. If I was worth it, if I meant enough to him, he would see how it's effecting me, and how much it bothers me. But it doesn't. Even if he did realize, it wouldn't matter. Because I'm not worth enough to stop.
So much has happened that I want to take back, so much that was out of my control, but I could have stopped. So much I blame on myself; so much unworthiness from myself. This is my way of taking control.
This is my way of being in control of myself. My way of punishing myself. My way of getting what people are trying to tell me; I'm not worth it.
For the one person that's worried about me: I love you. Please do not worry. I'm okay. This is my way of handling things. I know, though, that if you EVER did something like this I would be crushed. Basically, I would die. So I understand that you're worried. Because you care. But best friend, please. I'm okay. As long as you're there with me, I will be okay. I love you.
I don't know if everyone else feels the same, or why everyone else is doing this, but those are my reasons.
I heard this song on Chelsea/Hannah's [I'm not sure what your name is, I'm sorry!] xanga, and I love it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfIluSoLDHU [Ignore the video.]
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| I ate so much today, it's not even funny.
Breakfast: Nothing. [Didn't get up in time for breakfast.]
Snack: Nothing.
Lunch: Bowl of Reese Puffs cereal in soy milk; a lot of Tofutti [dairy-free ice cream]; one whole peanut bar; two Reese cups; one Diet Pepsi.
Snack: Nothing.
Dinner: [we were at a basketball game] Most of one soft pretzel; some French fries; a large Sprite.
Phuck, that's a lot.
My logic in thinking after taking the first bite was, "Who cares? You've already eaten this, can't take it back; just go all the way." I'm hungry right now, so I'll probably go get something else.
I'm don't even want to go weigh, but I know I will.
Yep. Just went.
Height: 5'7 3/4"
Weight: 124.5, I think.
And now I'm going to go eat some more.
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| Today I had regionals for the dance team. I was practicing from 1:15ish to about...three o'clock? And then danced at the competition, obviously. So, got some exercise today, woot! Oh, and if you're wondering, we placed first in our age group. Nationals, here we come!
Breakfast: Two pieces of French toast. [Grosssssss!!!!!]
Snack: Nothing.
Lunch: Nothing.
Snack: One whole peanut butter bar. [Gave the other to my friend.]
Dinner: One veggieburger on a bun with mustard.
I had water throughout the day, but not much.
Height: 5'7 3/4"
Weight: 122.5
Told you it varies everyday.
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| I'm starting this Xanga for support. I'm thirteen; homeschooled; and Christian.
Being homeschooled is going to make this hard. I don't plan on being anorexic; completely giving up food, never eating; but I do plan on fasting sometimes, the days my parents aren't home for most of it, and I can just set out plates with bread crumbs, making it look like toast. Yeah, I'm sure you all already knew that trick.
I'm 5'7" 3/4, which makes me basically 5'8". My weight varies every single day. Depending on how much I eat; I want to change that. I weighed myself before I went downstairs to eat Thanksgiving dinner, and I weighed 125. I now weigh 125.5. It's sick, really. I want to get down to 115. Then we'll go from there.
I'm a swimmer; I swim usually four days a week, hopefully it'll be five, soon, for an hour and a half. I'm also on a dance team, and we practice about an hour to an hour and a half each time. I get a lot of exercise, but I don't think enough.
I plan to eat one meal a day, the size that I would normally, so that my mother doesn't get too suspicious.
I don't know many tricks or helpful ways to prevent hunger, but if you could help or have any tips, they would be greatly appreciated.
Breakfast: Nothing.
Snack: Nothing.
Lunch: Three pieces of chocolate Easter candy.
Snack: Nothing.
Dinner: Mashed potatoes, a whole biscuit, five cubed pieces of tofu fried chicken [I'm vegetarian, so not real chicken], a small amount of rice with vegetables on top, about a fourth of a can of Diet Pepsi, about a sixth of a bottle of Dr. Pepper, and a whole can of Diet Pepsi.
Grossssss. And the day's not even over yet. Ickkkk.
And no exercise today.
Bleh.
Any advice?
--edit--
Unbelievably. Sick.
During Grey's Anatomy and ER I ate. And ate. And ate.
Then afterwards, I ate some more.
Gah. That wouldn't have been so bad...yesterday. But today...it's just gross.
Tomorrow will be better. So much better.
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